are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
