I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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