apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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