Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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