nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
