I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
