i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
