Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it because I queefed?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
