i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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