I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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