I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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