He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
