Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
