Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
