when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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