I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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