I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
