She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
