just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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