Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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