so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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