sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
