i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
