Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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