how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
