Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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