im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
