My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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