Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
