Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
