You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Are my feet made of real feet?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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