I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
