why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
