When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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