He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
