awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Ketchup is God's man juice
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
