I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
