you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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