sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
