my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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