Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I wear drunk well.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
