I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I pour the whiskey from now on
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
