i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
