she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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