Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
