i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
