How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
