I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
