after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
