I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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