Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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