someone threw a dead crab at me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
