woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
