my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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