my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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