Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
