When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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