You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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