you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
