I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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