Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
