So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
