Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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