"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I will pee on everything he values.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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