an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
