Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
