1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
