I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
